
“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”~ Confucius
All along the last 3 decades of my life i had strongly believed; I am a body with a soul, and identified my sense of being with the voices in my mind….. till my breakup few months back, disintegrated me into MIND-BODY & SOUL.
The realization that i am a soul with a human experience gradually set in, post my breakup, as i ruminated over the vexing spiritual riddles, my past, and the state my innerspace was then…..but the trigger was, when my spiritual soul mate, expressed that he was not interested in emotional baggage of any kind with me…but would love to continue our physical relationship.
The no commitments and only physical relationship aspect didnt bother me, and since i, didnt feel our relationship was a baggage, i respected and accepted his choice….but he pressed the wrong button {in hindsight, i think the right button}when he said….he would come, make love and leave, without even a single word exchanged with me…..my egoic mind (mis)interpreted it as, hes not interested in me due to the unconsciousness i had displayed but only wants to seek physical pleasures…and thinks, i was in a relationship with him to satiate my physical urges and not becoz, i connected with him at the soul level.
I refused without taking any moral stance, as making love to him had always been a soulful experience for me, communion of 2 souls, an expression of my inner love for him… rather than pleasure seeking encounters…and making love without the involvement of my soul, was something i knew i wouldnt ever enjoy…i believe, its magical, when 2 soul physically fuse with their body & soul, than just, whet the minds never-ending sensual appetite…its my personal opinion, i dont think, there is anything wrong in seeking pleasures just for fun, without any commitments.
My sense of false self, that my mind had conjured all along my life, squirmed in acute pain to know, that he had failed to see the “REAL” me…..and had diminished me to a pound of flesh to seek sensual pleasures and identified my being, in the unconsciousness i had displayed …as if i had no identity beyond my body and my mind.
It wasnt a great feeling to know that “I” am just the body or the mind……coz i knew there was much more to me, than what i would stare, in the mirror every morning.. a part in me which only knew about love, peace, joy…….so if the part of me{Mind} which he dislikes, is me…then what about the part of me{Soul} which has these pure emotions, which is also in me???
I reacted rudely to his words then (yank aath gati katdiji, by which i meant, i wont stoop that low to trivialize this sublime relationship, as a channel to fulfill my physical urges) as my egoic mind (mis)interpreted his words to have diminished my existense to a pleasure giving creature….which i later deeply regretted, for having reacted so sharply to a man, whom i deeply feel for, not becoz hes an expert seducer…but purely becoz i love his evolved and beautiful soul.
But starting that day, i was keen to know who i truly was…..am i the compulsive voice inside my head or the observer behind the observed?????
Thus began my journey towards self-discovery…i wanted to know, am i just the BODY that can be enjoyed/pampered or am i the voice{MIND} which keeps incessantly prompting labels after labels, judging/comparing/analysing/reasoning everything,… ..or am i the invisible, all pervasive, formless, everlasting presence called SOUL.
My questioning revealed that, although I own my body, I AM not my body….its just a costume my soul decided to wear to achieve its purpose in this life.
I think thoughts using my mind, but the REAL me is the thinker of the thoughts and so I AM not my mind either..
I m more than the body and mind; going through the journey of life with a purpose of evolving to the next level of consciousness.
I learnt that ceasing to identify with the voices in my head, was truly being MYSELF….and that the exaggerated feeling of “I”, mind-made self, the ego, is the greatest hindrance to knowing one’s self.
The more i was in my mind state, the more i reacted to the unconsciousness in others.
The experience of living in the mind-state for the last 3 decades has intensified the awareness of the blissful soul-state in manifolds…so i look back to my past with deep gratitude.
Pleasure or pain are aspects of the mind only. Our essential nature is happiness. But we have forgotten the SELF and imagine that the BODY or the MIND is the SELF. ~ Ramana Maharshi
Once the blazing truth was revealed…i have been TRYING to cultivate the habit of being the witness of all the events and experiences of my life…its like watching the river flow by from the riverbank, rather than be IN the river, and allow the water currents to toss u …torment u….just step out of the river and watch the currents of water(emotions / thoughts / feelings)….flow by.
The elusive blissful peace can be at your disposal, if you could switch to the soul state, rather than be in the mind-state.
The calm observer keeps me rooted to peace which i have never ever experienced in the past …..thoughts arise, thoughts evaporate….many a times, the thoughts suck me in the whirlpool of its drama….just then i remind myself to practise being the witness.
There are days when i relapse to letting me derive my sense of being, through the thoughts in my head….but all i do is remind myself of the bliss i experience when i am aligned to my soul…..disentangling my minds grip on my soul, is a gradual and ongoing process, and i know i have a loooooong way to go, but certainly worth the effort and time.
I must admit, my opinion on this is still under development and subject to change with deeper knowledge and clarity, but since the time i have been introduced to my SOUL, it has helped me recognise mind made illusions as illusions…. survival of the illusions in my life depended on me, mistakening it as a reality, and embroiling myself in the so called reality.
“What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves?” ~ Thomas Merton
I cant resist blowing a kiss of gratitude, to my spiritual soulmate, who contributed so perfectly in the divine plan, from the beginning till the end, in love and in contempt….. in peeling of layers of my mind-made illusions which was sabotaging my true self to shine.
I owe my new life to him……..{w.w.i.d.w.u = What would i’ve done without you}
In the words of Aldous Huxley:
“The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination where a person gains what he did not have, or becomes what he is not. It consists in the dissipation of one’s own ignorance concerning one’s self and life, and the gradual growth of that understanding which begins the spiritual awakening. The finding of God is a coming to one’s self.”